Apocalypse, NOW!

Yes, Captain. You have, indeed, stumbled across The Apocalypse. In fact, I rather like the image of stumbling into someone else's Last Days because I feel like that's how it's going to go down for all the non-believers. The End of the World should be relative to one's own religious leanings.

So, for example, as fire rains down from the sky onto Catholics the world over, those who are still awaiting the Messiah (for the first time) might find themselves thinking, "What terrible weather the [Italians, Irish, Colombians...] are having. Perhaps I won't go for a walk and instead will inside and light some incense as an offering to [Buddha, Vishnu, Zeus...]. Or, maybe I'll circumcise some young children today. Mazel tov. And for those unlucky enough to be having a post-dinner stroll, getting trapped by some crazy angels blasting horns might ruin the day entirely.

So for some, this Blog may well represent The End. And for others, it might just be bad weather. There was certainly some foul storming going on yesterday.

But today is a better day, and I even managed to smile by the time I went to bed last night. I think it had something to do with getting things accomplished, like more moving and more sewing and more - just MORE everything. Last night I managed to increase my consumption of time within the same number of physical hours as the night before, so that made me feel better. Time travel is always a pick-me-up.

I can't get no...

I'm struggling today with the deceptively simple question of satisfaction. Interestingly enough, if I take a step back and look at the fundamentals in my life - do I have enough food to eat? Shelter? Clothing? - then I feel extremely satisfied and almost uncomfortably so. Guilty, even.

But then I think about all the extras that are in my life, like wedding dresses and bags and surveys and whatnot, and it's a different kind of satisfaction but just as equally appealing for me. Part of me knows that the reward for what some might label as noise will only come after a long and arduous journey, and that it will probably be very fulfilling. Probably.

But another part of me wants to just throw away all the ambition and just live contentedly forever and ever. I love my son and I love my boyfriend almost to the point where I want to hold on to them like beacons in a storm. I hate myself when I don't deliver what they need, and yet I hate myself when I don't deliver what I need. And sometimes the two purposes don't match up.

Of course, when I think about the happy vision of needing nothing and wanting less, it seems so impossible and idealistic. And yet it means that all of my basic needs would be met. So what is satisfaction? I challenge the world for an answer.

Let the madness begin.

This past weekend was full of major stresses in my life that I don't know how to deal with, and most are self-imposed.

First, I've wrongly prioritized too many things, and the High Priority items are more than I can handle without having at least one of those projects or life priorities suffer.

Second, I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally deficient at some times and almost inconceivably strong at others. And sometimes I can tell when I'm going to lose my grip on things, and others I just don't, and then the foundation crumbles and I begin lashing out at the world for the situation that I alone have created.

So I decided to create a blog in the hopes that, instead of lashing out at the people whom I love more than anything, I will preferably scream into cyberspace and this outlet will make me a more pleasant person.

Get ready, Internet!